Is Love A Choice Or Feeling

Love is so hard to explain. There are some who believe it's simply an emotion—a sort of force field, like gravity, that draws people toward one another. Others consider it something you decide—a choice to hang around, to take care of another human being, and work through the tough things. Is it something that occurs to you, then, or something you do every day of your life? Frankly, like with love itself, it's not so clear.

Falling in love has that raw, dizzying thrill about it. It feels so easy and electric that you hardly have any idea what hit you. One minute you meet someone who lights up bits of you you never knew you had, and before you know it you're thinking that love is simply that feeling. Your heart thumps in your chest, your palms get slightly moist, and for one moment life is more colorful. According to some experts, it's simply because of the mix of chemicals—dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin—coursing through your brain and making you feel high and strangely addicted to the other. If it was all about the feeling, would it never cease to be electrifying?

And then what happens when that wild thrill starts to wear off? When the everyday takes over—duties pile up, flaws come into bolder relief—love seems to require something more. At such points, it’s as if the idea of choosing love is in plain sight. Feelings are mercurial, here one minute and gone the next like shifting tides. Depending solely on those ephemeral feelings can put relationships on shaky ground at the slightest sign of trouble. Ultimately, it seems that for love to last, it takes not only that initial thrill of the head but also the solid, often messy commitment. Love is choosing to be present even when it’s not easy. It’s making room for someone even when they’re hard to love. It’s about forgiveness and patience and loyalty long after the newness has worn off.

I knew one such couple—Maria and David—whom I had known for over 30 years. Theirs was not the fairytale of love. It was full of challenges—money issues, personal tragedies, even betrayal. David had even had an emotional affair. Maria was devastated. If love was something you felt, she would have left him because at that point her love for him was shattered. But she made a choice. They went to therapy, they rebuilt trust, and they chose to love each other again even when it was hard. It was not easy and it was not fast, but Maria said something I’ll never forget: “Feelings would have told me to leave. But choosing love allowed me to see the man he could become, not the man who hurt me.”

But the idea of love as something we can choose somehow feels mechanical. If love was totally rational, then why do we fall for people who are bad for us sometimes? Why do we stay with relationships that drain our energy out of us? Or for that matter, why do we not end up loving the one we had imagined would be with us forever? There is no way of avoiding the fact that there are feelings involved and dismissing them entirely would be as dangerous as relying solely on them.

The subtlety of love is between feelings and decisions. Love's early stage appears like pure emotion that happens suddenly without any strategy and totally dominates the heart. Love develops into some form of giving up in order to survive. Love's arrival is not within our control but we have the option of choosing to keep it. Greatest romances are not about perfect happy endings but they depict two people making repeated decisions of being with each other.

On the journey of life do people choose love or do lovers follow emotional desires? It is either one of them. Our choice holds on to love even as our feelings compel us to fall in love with another. Love portrays its great attribute because of the unique mix of emotion and choice.

Is Love A Choice Or Feeling